Snap!

Lalla, ridiculously cute.

Waylon, 6 weeks

smiling and cooing

Wyatt, 6 excellent helper; Walker, 4 sweet to his core

Life has been. Crazy. And I don't say that to be funny. I am completely real when I say that. We've had boxes filling up more and more space of our townhouse for the past weeks - and they keep growing. 

And stuff. 

Everywhere.

I am one of those people that really is bothered by clutter. Painfully bothered. As in, it affects my heart's condition. Meaning, what flows out of my heart is bad if there is too much clutter. And what flows out of my heart is generally good if things are orderly and in their place.

And that's really sad.

I was thinking about this the other day as I was praying. It had been a while since I had really prayed deeply. Where I have time to give God praise and confess sin and give thanksgiving in addition to all my requests. So I was thinking about how my heart is actually affected by clutter. 

I want that to change. 

I'm not okay with that.

I actually am beginning to hate that.

My heart should not be dependent in any way on the shape of things being in their place. 

I want the Lord to change that about me. Because I have answered a call that will be defeating otherwise. The liklieness of my house having clutter is huge for the next few years. And if I respond in snappy words to my husband or yelling at my children or just passively quiet and angry - then I am asking for a hard season ahead.

And I'm setting up everyone to fail. 

So it occurred to me after this time of praying that something had snapped in me.

Well, that's what I would call it.

I suddenly wasn't bothered by the boxes everywhere. 

The stacks of packing paper on every surface.

The laundry overflowing.

The suitcases packed and filling my hallway space.

The dirty bathrooms

The dirty, stinky carpet.

And even people seeing it!!!

I wasn't overwhelmed by nursing my baby and simultaneously reading to my big boys.

I wasn't bothered by a knock at the door, the dog barking loudly, Lalla crying and the boys rushing to the door. I wasn't anxious about packing details or even the organization of the move.

Something snapped in me.

And while I'd like to say it was me giving everyone, including myself grace in this immense transition. Or even me changing my deeply engraved response to clutter.

But really, I think as believers we call it the Peace that surpasses all understanding has guarded my heart and my mind the past few days. 

Praise the Lord! I feel free!

In the midst of such change and utter chaos - I feel completely free from myself. 

From my anxiety and from my stress. 

"Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord." Philipians 4:6-7

Baby Waylon

We've been blessed to add to our home Waylon Rex. He was 7 lb 14 oz and he came very fast (for my labors). Nothing about his labor was similar to my other children except for Lalla - in that it was unpredictable. But enough about that - we are happy he his here.

And so I began a phrase that I whole-heartedly believe when Lalla was born and I began to realize some more things about being a mommy. And that phrase has proven true once again with Waylon:

"the more children I have, the more humbled I am." I truly am more and more aware of my undeserving-ness of the gift of each child- but even more so, my incredible sinfulness. My inability to be these precious children's mommy. I am aware all the more of my infirmities and my weaknesses. I am aware of my physical limitations and even more so, my inability to nurture their hearts in the way they need.

And so, the gospel applies to me. In my needyness. In my weakness. In my inabilities. And I am so thankful that Jesus died for me, died for my sin today. Not only yesterday's but todays. I am thankful for this little soul entrusted to Wes and I. 

I pray that we offer him daily right back to the Lord - and that he grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. He is truly precious. I am fully aware of his preciousness. 

God bless you baby boy. I love you deeply. I know that my sin will disappoint and hurt you - and I pray that I am humble enough to ask for your forgiveness and point you in the direction of a Savior whom I need just as much as you do. You are precious to me, daddy and to your brothers and sister.

We are thankful God gave us YOU. May you know from life's first cry that you are loved deeply by us yes, but even more so, by a loving Father who gave you His Son. He bled and He died for your sin. May your destiny be ever sealed in His redemption, in His eternal dwelling place through faith by His Holy Spirit. 

You are a treasure, dear one.

I love you very much, Waylon, 

sweet child of mine.

Easter

Happy Easter!

My, how the meaning of Easter has changed for me in my lifetime.

It almost brings me to tears as I consider my past Easters and how earlier on I was completely focused on my easter basket, candy, my easter dress, easter egg hunts, etc.

And that's just where my children are. Try as we may to teach them well about the death and resurrection of Jesus, they are drawn to the culture.

They are drawn to the candy, the fun, the gifts.

We had a wonderful Easter with our family, don't get me wrong. We enjoyed our devotions leading up to Easter - we enjoyed discussing what the children learned in their classes at church approaching Easter Sunday - we enjoyed the Palm Sunday and Easter worship anticipating a crucified and later, RISEN Lord.

But...

I am in a place of reflection today.

As I consider the week ahead, my tasks ahead today,

I am caught up in truth that I live today in light of a RISEN Lord.

He fought death...and won.

He bled, freely for us, and He died horribly, horrifically.

He took all my shame with Him to my cross.

And then everything said about Him and that He said about Himself came true when He rose from the dead.

He conquered death.

And I am free.

This IS the guarantee for my own resurrection.

I will not stay dead when the Lord calls me.

I will live again in His presence. Forever.

and so my prayer for my little ones is that they, too grasp this wonderful truth in our Christian faith. That they embrace the knowledge of Jesus as Risen Lord. In the Lord's perfect timing. As their sweet little hearts get there in their unique ways...as the Lord patiently and graciously lead me there.

Happy Easter to you and yours.

May you live today in light the one and only Risen Lord!

The Past Months...

why apologize?

we've been here before. I've made apologies before but there is no reason to. ultimately this is simply a blog about someone's life.

its been busy b/c its just been life.

And life with a family is very busy.

we celebrated walker's (4th) birthday a month early as his birthday is a week after baby's due date. instead of a party we took he and wyatt to a pirate show at myrtle beach and stayed at wes' folks' place down there.

he loved the pirate show!

he felt very special and loved as we don't do 'big' things like this hardly ever.

i also made him a pirates' ship cake.

he was so grateful for it.

(my middle child has gratefulness in his heart that both convicts and encourages me.) I suppose it is the grace of the God and his disposition in life - always having a sibling. I am so thankful for him. he is precious to me.

happy birthday, sweet child of mine!

in preparation for a family of six, God provided and blessed us with a mini-van. i have had friends that have gone through "the crisis" with becoming part of this population that says "we are family" but I did not experience that.

I expected to and so I was waiting for the grieving.

but it never came.

i suppose it is because we squeezed as much use as we could out of our crv without putting future baby on the roof that to say that we were "ready" for this van would be a completely understatement.

entry into our van goes like this:

doors open by themselves

Wyatt buckles Lalla, then himself.

walker can now buckle himself b/c he can see his buckle.

none of my children are touching.

who wouldn't want that!?!

my little girl is growing up fast. she is 19 months. oh my prayer for her is that she would transition well to not being baby anymore. even that her transition would be fast from baby to older sister and taking part in caring for the baby.

all in all, our days are pretty much the same. this particular day (above) walker was getting over being sick and all 3 were watching a video together. As my children get older I treasure them partaking in the same activities together. I am thankful for Wyatt's leadership with his brother and sister. In his first homeschooling year he has grown tremendously as an older brother - he has grown in responsibility/independence with his school work as well initiative with household work. I am so thankful for his disposition.

We are anticipating baby boy.

We are deciding between 2 names: William and Waylon.

His middle name will be Rex.

He will have the same initials as his older 2 brothers, his father and his grandfather.

We have not been able to make a decision about his name and decided to wait and meet him before we decide.

Those are the highlights - theres been plenty of hard/sanctifying days as my body feels older in this pregnancy and the demands of being a stay at home mom and homeschool teacher can be overwhelming. But I look to the Lord to lead me. To patiently guide me in my being a wife to Wes and a mother to my 3 children. He has been so faithful to me in both the good and the bad days.

I am thankful most of all for Jesus.

that He has saved me.

that He knows me.

and He still loves me anyway.

Christmas Cards

I love receiving Christmas cards. We have begun streaming a ribbon around our large entry way and clipping the cards to the ribbon - we see them at each meal and the children will share stories about their experiences with the other children and adults in the pictures.

One thing a good friend shared with me - as she takes each card down after the season - is the pray for the family before putting the card away. I love that. We did that last year and it connected us with the many families that adorn our dining room. :)

But I must say.

This year, there was one card that I kept pondering all Christmas season long. I could not stop thinking of it. I even cried about it a few times.

It was a beautiful hand painted card. 2 beautiful ornaments. I have no idea how long my friend took to paint these two beautiful water color ornaments. Then she adhered it to this folded card. As the card is opened - a very simple statement reads:

"God and sinners reconciled!"

Merry Christmas!

Still, I am left pondering the magnitude of this promise and truth that I have in Jesus. That babe born 2,000 years ago in a manger. Born to two lowly people. Whom kings sought after for months in order to go and worship Him and bring Him gifts proclaiming His sovereign, ordained God-given roles - to be our King, to be our Priest and to be our Savior.

This babe - this past Christmas -

brought forth a man,

God in flesh,

to reconcile me,

a sinner

to a Holy God.

I can't help but cry.