Snap!

Lalla, ridiculously cute.

Waylon, 6 weeks

smiling and cooing

Wyatt, 6 excellent helper; Walker, 4 sweet to his core

Life has been. Crazy. And I don't say that to be funny. I am completely real when I say that. We've had boxes filling up more and more space of our townhouse for the past weeks - and they keep growing. 

And stuff. 

Everywhere.

I am one of those people that really is bothered by clutter. Painfully bothered. As in, it affects my heart's condition. Meaning, what flows out of my heart is bad if there is too much clutter. And what flows out of my heart is generally good if things are orderly and in their place.

And that's really sad.

I was thinking about this the other day as I was praying. It had been a while since I had really prayed deeply. Where I have time to give God praise and confess sin and give thanksgiving in addition to all my requests. So I was thinking about how my heart is actually affected by clutter. 

I want that to change. 

I'm not okay with that.

I actually am beginning to hate that.

My heart should not be dependent in any way on the shape of things being in their place. 

I want the Lord to change that about me. Because I have answered a call that will be defeating otherwise. The liklieness of my house having clutter is huge for the next few years. And if I respond in snappy words to my husband or yelling at my children or just passively quiet and angry - then I am asking for a hard season ahead.

And I'm setting up everyone to fail. 

So it occurred to me after this time of praying that something had snapped in me.

Well, that's what I would call it.

I suddenly wasn't bothered by the boxes everywhere. 

The stacks of packing paper on every surface.

The laundry overflowing.

The suitcases packed and filling my hallway space.

The dirty bathrooms

The dirty, stinky carpet.

And even people seeing it!!!

I wasn't overwhelmed by nursing my baby and simultaneously reading to my big boys.

I wasn't bothered by a knock at the door, the dog barking loudly, Lalla crying and the boys rushing to the door. I wasn't anxious about packing details or even the organization of the move.

Something snapped in me.

And while I'd like to say it was me giving everyone, including myself grace in this immense transition. Or even me changing my deeply engraved response to clutter.

But really, I think as believers we call it the Peace that surpasses all understanding has guarded my heart and my mind the past few days. 

Praise the Lord! I feel free!

In the midst of such change and utter chaos - I feel completely free from myself. 

From my anxiety and from my stress. 

"Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord." Philipians 4:6-7